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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22372204">Everything Is Under Control</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrappylittlegleek/pseuds/scrappylittlegleek'>scrappylittlegleek</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supergirl (Comics), Supergirl (TV 2015)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Lena Luthor Gets a Hug, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Needs Therapy, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Protective Kara Danvers, disorderd eating, lena luthor will get therapy, mentions of binging, thoughts of purging, trigger warning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 01:08:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,628</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22372204</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrappylittlegleek/pseuds/scrappylittlegleek</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lena's dealt with disordered eating habits in the past but relapses when she thought she was finally out of the woods. To keep herself from doing something she knows she'll regret, she calls Kara for help.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>542</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I binged today so I guess this is how I'm coping with it :/</p><p>Trigger warning- food restriction, binging, thoughts of purging</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Everything was foggy. Like she was walking through a thick cloud that never seemed to end. One that made her bones ache and her head throb as it pinned her to the ground and restricted her every move. </p><p>It had been this way for months. It was part of her routine now. Lena would wake up and try to shake away the grossness from the night before. She’d brush her hair and splash some cold water on her face before she got ready, though that never did as much as she hoped it would. Her head would throb and her stomach would cramp but Lena would do her best to ignore it. Then at 7:00 am, she would leave her apartment and drive through miles of traffic to L Corp and try her best to tune out the thoughts that seeped into her head with whatever cheesy pop song was on the radio that morning. And once inside, Lena would find a steaming cup of hot black coffee would be on her desk, left by her assistant Jess, who she would thank with a polite smile. </p><p>It was the same every day. Trudging to meetings where it seemed like there was a glass wall between her and everyone else, sitting in her office where the mist surrounding her would muffle out the noise from the rest of the world. Forcing smiles so Jess wouldn’t start to worry and pretending to care about whatever her new CFO had to say. It was a tedious cycle of pretending but somehow Lena was managing. And for the time being, as long as things weren’t getting worse, she was okay with that. </p><p>But this morning, the fog was especially dense and going through the motions was harder than normal. The coffee Jess brought her was starting to make her feel nauseous and the words on the paperwork she was supposed to be filling out seemed to float right off the page and tangle around her tauntingly. It was like she could just reach out and grab them, but at the very last second, they’d slip away from her grasp, leaving her helpless and lost. </p><p>The only thing she could properly comprehend was the note Jess left a few hours ago, reminding her that she had lunch with Kara today.</p><p>While she’d been trying to focus on her bureaucratic bullshit the memo had been replaying itself in her head on a loop. It was all she could think about, all she could manage to focus on when all she wanted to do was finish her godforsaken paperwork so she could afford to get distracted. </p><p>And as much as Lena hated to admit it, it wasn’t like she’d been thinking about lunch all day because she was excited to see her girlfriend who she hadn’t seen all week. It probably should’ve been-- no, it definitely should’ve been. But instead of excitement or anticipation, the thought of having lunch with Kara made Lena’s stomach turn in ways it definitely shouldn’t have been. </p><p>It wasn’t like Lena wasn’t happy to see Kara-- she was, she’d been missing her ever since they last saw each other on Sunday. It was just that now it was Thursday and old habits that she’d been so sure she’d gotten rid of had been bubbling back to the surface. So no, lunch with Kara wasn’t ideal even if she did miss her girlfriend. But it was too late to cancel without causing suspicion so Lena would suck it up this time, just like she always did. </p><hr/><p>She met Kara at Noonan’s, immediately finding her towards the back of the cafe-- the little spot they’d made their own when they first started dating. </p><p>Kara smiled and waved, a sight Lena had no idea how much she’d missed until now. She smiled back and took a seat across the table from her girlfriend, who seemed delighted to be there with her. Knowing she was too preoccupied with thoughts of calories and how bloated her stomach was filled Lena’s mouth with a sour taste. It was so selfish, so childish. So very Lena. </p><p>“Hey, I missed you,” Kara said, pulling Lena out of her head. </p><p>“I missed you too.” </p><p>“I have so much to tell you, <em> but, </em> first, food,” Kara said enthusiastically and stood up. “I’m gonna go order, do you want your usual?” </p><p>Lena nodded and tried to keep her grin from faltering. God, all she had to do was make it through one meal, why couldn’t she do that? She didn’t even have to finish it, it wasn’t like Kara was going to be watching that closely. She could fake it the way she used to. Why did she have to make everything so damn complicated? </p><p>It didn’t take long before Kara was back with a salad for Lena and a sandwich for herself. </p><p>“So, fill me in on what I missed,” Lena prompted. </p><p>“Right!” Kara said, her face lighting up. “I’ve been working on this new editorial about community colleges in National City and why public education, at least for a two-year degree, should be free. I’ve been having the worst writer’s block lately and I… I know journalism isn’t really your thing but I’m so proud of what I have so far, would you read it?” </p><p>“Yes, of course!”</p><p>“Great,” Kara clasped her hands together. “You’ll be the first one to see it once it’s done.” </p><p>“I can’t wait. I think this might be one of my best pieces.” </p><p>Lena raised an eyebrow. “Really?” </p><p>Kara nodded proudly. </p><p>“Well, I’m sure I’ll agree when I read it,” Lena grinned. “Though, I have to admit to having a bit of a bias.” </p><p>Kara chuckled and shook her head. </p><p>“But tell me more.” </p><p>“Oh, and they’ve also been working on a new suit at the DEO,” Kara said, lowering her voice to a whisper. “I might be getting pants. <em> Pants, </em> Lena.” </p><p>Lena bit her lip. She’d personally always been a fan of Kara’s skirt, probably not for the same reasons as Supergirls other supporters, but Kara in pants was endearing to think about.</p><p>“Flying is gonna be so much easier, I can feel it.” </p><p>“That’s great,” Lena said, awkwardly poking at her salad with her fork. “When do I get to see you in it?” </p><p>“Hopefully soon. They’re working on a few different prototypes, but obviously, I want you to see them before I make the final decision because you know… you probably know more about the aerodynamic stuff then I do,” Kara explained. </p><p>Lena swallowed thickly. <em> Right. Science. </em>She’d completely forgotten about that for a moment there.  </p><p>“But anyway, how have you been? Has anything interesting happened in the past few days?” Kara asked and Lena felt her heart drop. </p><p>She looked down at the untouched salad, then back to Kara, who cared so much and was just trying to have an enjoyable afternoon. She’d come for a nice lunch, and Lena couldn’t even give her that. </p><p>“I-- I’m so sorry, I just remembered, I have a conference call in like fifteen minutes,” Lena blurted out before she could stop herself. “I’m sorry I… I’ll call you when it’s done.” </p><p>And before either of them could say anything else, Lena was gone. </p><hr/><p>Lena bit her lip and closed her eyes. They burned with tears she refused to let spill, she wouldn’t allow herself to cry over something she’d done to herself. She didn’t deserve it. She’d been weak and the pain brought on by her lapse was something she’d have to deal with. She had no right to be upset. If she’d only tried a little harder, she wouldn’t be in this situation. </p><p>Letting out a long, shaky breath, Lena placed the Cheez-Its box on her coffee table and groaned. She felt like she was sixteen again, obsessed with calories and portion control and the numbers on the scale. She couldn’t even help herself from doing the math in her head, even though every last bit of rationale she had left in her was telling her not to. And of course, just like always, the numbers only made Lena want to get rid of it. But she couldn’t go back in time, so she could do the next best thing and finish with a bad taste in her mouth, serving as a reminder of how badly she’d messed up. </p><p>Lena pulled her knees into her chest and held her forehead in her hand. It was hard to ignore the queasiness in her stomach but even harder to try and convince herself that she could still fix this. It didn’t seem possible. It didn’t seem fair. One night shouldn’t have erased months of progress, it shouldn’t put her back at square one. One night shouldn’t be pushing her back down that hole, back into the darkness she’d told herself she could adapt to and never have to leave. It shouldn’t make her feel like maybe all this time, recovery hadn’t been the right choice.  </p><p>She’d always known something was wrong. She knew she shouldn’t be having panic attacks during her lunch break because if she didn’t eat, her stomach would start rumbling during her next meeting and if she did, the single rice cake she’d brought would be sixty whole calories that would weigh on her for the rest of the day. She knew she shouldn’t have felt a sense of accomplishment when she realized she’d gone twenty-four hours without food or water, she knew it wasn’t something to be proud of. But the numbers were something she could control. Lena had no say in what was printed about her in tabloids or spread in newspapers, but she got to be in charge of herself. She got to choose how many calories she wouldn’t eat, and when that didn’t work out, she would be the one to decide what kind of junk food she binged on during some ungodly hour of the night when the rest of National City was asleep and she was left alone with her thoughts. </p><p>Lena knew this kind of behavior wasn’t normal. She knew it wasn’t good. But for the longest time, it was all she had. It was the only thing she knew with everything she had that she was good at. </p><p>It was for that exact reason she’d resisted recovering for so long. Because to her, it wasn’t a recovery, it was giving up everything she’d worked so long to achieve. It was abandoning the only thing she believed she was good at. But somewhere along the way, she’d been able to start chipping away at the boulders that were holding her down. She’d started doing what she thought was impossible-- she’d started getting better. </p><p>And now Lena was here, with an empty box of Cheez-Its and the urge to do something she wasn’t sure she’d be able to come back from. </p><p>She sharply bit her lip as she slowly pulled her phone out of her back pocket. Cringing as she typed the message, Lena knew that no matter how humiliating it was, this was better than the ultimatum. </p><p>
  <em> I screwed up, can you come over? </em>
</p><p>“Kara, I’m so sorry, I fucked up,” Lena cried as soon as she opened the door, not even bothering to try and stop the tears anymore. </p><p>“Hey, I’m sure it’s not that bad,” Kara reassured. </p><p>Lena shook her head. “No, I… I really messed up.”</p><p>“I haven’t… I haven’t done something like this in so long,” Lena scoffed at her failure. “I really thought I was fixing it but now I… I’m right back where I started.”</p><p>“Okay,” Kara hesitated. She wasn’t sure what it was exactly Lena was talking about, but from everything she knew about her girlfriend, she could make a general assumption. “But one slip up doesn’t erase all the progress you’ve made. You made it this far once, you can do it again.” </p><p>Bringing her hand to her forehead in a pathetic attempt to hide her shame, Lena began to crumble. “I was doing so good,” she said, her voice breaking. </p><p>She turned to Kara, the tears started to fall despite her best efforts to hold them back. “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t be making you deal with this.” </p><p>“It’s okay, I don’t mind,” Kara said softly. It sounded so genuine but Lena couldn’t be sure. Why would someone like Kara want to waste their energy on someone as broken and pitiful as herself? It just didn’t make any sense. </p><p>“No, but today at lunch I-- I shouldn’t have walked out on you like that, Kara,” Lena cried. “That was so rude and I am <em> so </em> sorry.”</p><p>Kara rubbed her collar bone nervously. She’d be lying if she said the whole lunch thing hadn’t left her confused, to say the least. And she probably would’ve said something earlier if she knew how to go about it the right way. But she’d held her tongue. So perhaps this was a good a time as any to get it out in the open. </p><p>“Well, I’m sure you had a good reason, right?” She asked. "Is it connected to what's going on now?" </p><p>Lena shrugged. “I couldn’t eat.” </p><p>“What?” </p><p>“I…” Lena sighed, unable to find the words to describe what was going on without sounding insane. “I’ve always kind of had a… a rocky relationship with food I guess and today… for the past couple of days I just… I couldn’t do it. And today I... I took a big step backward.” </p><p>Kara paused. That wasn’t the response she’d been expecting. Though, she wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting to hear at all. </p><p>“And I know it’s such a stupid thing to get upset over but I,” Lena sniffed and looked down at her lap. “It makes so much sense in my head.” </p><p>“It’s not stupid,” Kara said softly. “If it makes you upset, it’s never stupid.” </p><p>“I know but it… it’s ridiculous. The other day I cried in my office because I ate a granola bar. A fucking granola bar,” Lena said with a dry laugh. “And today I was so mad at myself for leaving you at lunch that I ate an entire box of Cheez-It’s because I thought that I-- I wanted to punish myself.” </p><p>Lena’s voice was harsh but broken, like she was holding onto every last word but was trying to desperately escape the reality she’d created. </p><p>“And I know that none of the things I’m doing are smart or rational and I <em> know </em> that I’m only going to end up hurting myself but it feels like… like when I’m not eating… like I’m finally doing something right.” </p><p>Shaking her head, Kara placed a gentle hand on Lena’s knee. “Lena that’s so dangerous.” </p><p>Lena nodded, her eyes filling with tears once more. “I know,” she whispered. </p><p>“I can’t imagine how you’re feeling right now but if there’s anything you need, I’ve got you,” Kara said, her eyes never leaving Lena’s for a second. </p><p>Lena bit her lip and drew in a deep breath. The exhaustion from the rest of the day was beginning to roll over her, leaving her stuck in a sea of fog once more. </p><p>“For now, just…” she inched closer to Kara and rested her head against her chest, closing her eyes as she listened to the sound of Kara’s strong heartbeat. “Hold me.” </p><p>Kara obliged, wrapping her arms around Lena and pulling her close. She placed a kiss on her forehead before resting her chin on the top of Lena’s head. </p><p>It took a while, but eventually, Lena's sobs dissolved into soft cries until after a little while, there was nothing at all. Kara could still hear her heart pounding against her chest, but she was no longer shaking and when she kissed her again, Lena even smiled back at her. </p><p>“Tomorrow, we need to talk about this and figure out how to get you real help," Kara said, once she felt like Lena could handle hearing it. </p><p>“I know,” Lena mumbled into her shirt. "But can we wait until tomorrow?" </p><p>"Of course," Kara said, feeling Lena's grip on her tighten. </p><p>"I got you, and I'm never gonna let you go." </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lena comes to terms with her problem and sees a therapist for the first time.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TRIGGER WARNING- explicit talk about anorexia, calorie counting, and attempts to burn calories.<br/>I want to continue this story and make it about Lena's journey towards recovery. I'm trying to make it as authentic as possible, which means it includes a lot of sensitive content, so please be aware of that.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>In the span of nearly ten minutes, Kara had all but inhaled four pancakes, a mocha latte, and half a bowl of strawberries. Lena just sat watching in awe as her girlfriend went from one thing to the next, not even stopping to breathe. She was like an Olympic athlete but with breakfast foods.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eventually, Kara noticed and looked up at her, smiling bashfully as she wiped a drop of syrup off her chin with her hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” She asked, her cheeks turning bright pink.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena chuckled and shook her head. “Nothing. Just thinking about how much I love you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re such a nerd,” Kara said, but leaned across the table to kiss her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You taste like pancakes,” Lena teased. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Thank you,” Kara replied with a grin. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her gaze then shifted down to Lena’s plate; two rice cakes with almond butter and half a chopped up banana on top, completely untouched. Lena averted eye contact as soon as Kara noticed her plate and wrapped her arms around herself protectively. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She wanted to say something but she wasn’t sure how to without making it worse. So she didn’t say anything at all. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, I just can’t today,” Lena said, a lump rising to the top of her throat. It didn’t matter that Kara was silent, they were both thinking the same thing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kara sighed and sat back down on the chair next to Lena. “It’s okay, we can keep it out in case you change your mind.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She went to take Lena’s hand in her own but stopped when she saw how it was shaking. Lena didn’t even seem to be aware of it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Upon closer inspection, Kara noticed her skin was paler than usual and she could see the blue veins going up and down Lena’s wrist. Even her nails looked bruised. They were purple and blue as if all the life had been sucked out of her. This was not the Lena she knew and loved. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think I’m gonna take a shower,” Lena said. She looked back at Kara and tried to smile to show she was alright then placed a soft kiss on her cheek. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She couldn’t bear sitting in front of her safe breakfast knowing she was too weak to even take a bite any longer.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Lena stood with her teeth chattering and her arms wrapped tightly around herself as she stood under the stream of cold water. It was something she’d heard from one of her friends in boarding school-- cold showers were supposed to burn calories. Even then she’d known it was most likely bullshit. But something in her, the other half of her that was able to twist logic and manipulate thoughts, told her that it couldn’t hurt to try, so try she did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And regardless, it was only a matter of time before she would have to let go of these habits. Kara had suggested seeing a therapist, someone who knew how to help with these sorts of things, and Lena had agreed that it was probably for the best that she go. She did want to get better. At least part of her did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was as if she were split into two people. They were both inside her, constantly fighting for dominance. There was the person she’d always been, the person who wanted to be happy and successful and have a normal life with her girlfriend where she could go out to lunch or business parties and eat and be happy. Then there was the half that told her none of that mattered because she didn’t deserve it so she would never have it. It kept her up late at night, telling her that if she were thinner maybe Kara would love her more, and maybe she’d be better at her job or have more friends. It told her that if she gave up her control, she would be failing and that if she wanted to succeed, she had to stick to the numbers. It mocked her with the reminder that this was the only thing she’d ever have that was completely hers, that she could be good at without interference. The only thing she could be proud of. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They’d been at war all throughout high school and most of college. It was only recently that she’d thought she’d gotten rid of the other half completely. However, now that she’d realized she was wrong and was doing her best to make up for it, she was compensating with a skewed sense of balance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena would go to the therapist and she would try to get better. But until then, she would allow herself to have one last tiny grasp of control with cold showers and minimal calories before it was all ripped away.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>“So, before we can really start, I always like to start with asking new patients what their goals are,” Kelly began, crossing one leg over the other. “It can be a monthly goal, a yearly one, or even just one for this session.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena shrugged. Her eyes darted across the office, making mental notes of things like degrees from Columbia and NYU. Kelly certainly seemed qualified, but that wasn’t enough to make Lena feel any better about the whole thing. After all, it was therapy, and from what she could assume, no one sitting in that overstuffed leather chair felt particularly great about their situation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I suppose I’d like to get my anxiety under control. Normally it’s manageable, but recently I’ve been having a lot of it,” Lena hesitated and curled her fingers into a fist. “...around food.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kelly nodded and scribbled something onto her notepad. As far as therapists went, Lena couldn’t be sure what to make of her. So far, she seemed nicer than the child and adolescent psychiatrist that her parents had begrudgingly taken her too after they’d gotten a call home from school because she’d passed out during gym class. Or at least she was much less condescending. But then again, it was hard to gather a real impression from their brief introduction. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Has this been a problem in the past or is it something you’ve just started experiencing?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was almost 18. But I was basically an adult, so my parents didn’t do much for me,” Lena explained. “I went to a psychiatrist for a little while and that was pretty much it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can you tell me about what it’s been like recently?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena hesitated and focused on a spot on the wall behind Kelly. She couldn’t look her in the eye, it was too humiliating. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve just been avoiding food. I don’t think it was intentional at first… I work long hours and sometimes I forget to eat or I have a meeting when I’d normally have lunch. But I guess when I noticed I didn’t want to stop.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“How much would you say you normally eat in a day?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena shrugged. “I aim for 350, but it’s usually around 500 calories. 800 at the very very highest,” she said quietly. It was so humiliating to say out loud. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The amount of restriction you’re doing is very extreme,” Kelly commented.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena nodded. “I know.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She bit her lip and clasped her hands tightly together. Kelly’s office, though welcoming, felt off. Like the walls weren’t as thick as she would’ve liked them to be and the people in the waiting room could hear her confessing all of this. Then before she knew it, all over the news would be a bright new headline; </span>
  <em>
    <span>Is Lena Luthor Really Stable Enough to be Running L-Corp?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Look, I know you can’t fix me entirely but is there any way I can make this at least manageable within the next few weeks?” Lena asked. “I have a company to run and I can’t afford to take any time off. I have this new CFO and I-- there’s no way I’m going to let them fill in for me when they’ve only been with us for a few weeks, that’s just bad management.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kelly opened her mouth to speak, but Lena kept going. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And my girlfriend, I know she’s in pain seeing me go through this and I don’t want to hurt her. So is there… is there any way at all you can just give me a bandaid fix and I can come back in a few weeks when it starts to wear off?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kelly sighed. She set her notepad on the table beside her and folded her hands in her lap. “I’m sorry, but that’s not how it works, Lena. And I think you’re smart enough to know that,” she smiled and Lena reluctantly nodded.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you’re also smart enough to know that you don’t need to be fixed. Yes, you have a problem, but your eating disorder isn’t you. It’s just that; a disorder, and that’s what we’re going to work on fixing,” Kelly explained. “Unfortunately, that can’t be done in a few weeks, but it is possible to recover.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ll have to go through treatment, you’ll have a team of people working with you; a dietitian, psychologist, and myself. It is very possible for you to get better, you just have to want it badly enough to work for it,” she continued. “From what I’ve gathered about you, you do seem motivated to recover, and that’s a very good thing.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It varies day to day,” Lena admitted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I appreciate your honesty,” Kelly smiled. “And you mentioned your company and your girlfriend, those are all really good things to keep in mind when reaching towards your goals.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena nodded but didn’t respond. She didn’t have to say anything, she knew exactly where this was going. If she was lucky she’d get to be at an outpatient program going to treatment almost every day of the week. And if that didn’t work out she’d get sent to a residential center or inpatient at a hospital where they’d put a tube down her nose and she’d only get to see Kara and the few friends she did have once a week. She’d deteriorate in there and her company would get handed over to someone else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A man, more capable of controlling his emotions. He’d win over the public and by the time Lena got out-- if she got out-- L-Corp would no longer be the institution she’d been striving for it to become. It would be someone else’s force and she’d become obsolete. Named another insane Luthor just like Lex and her father. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So there was no point in saying anything else. It was predetermined, even after that short conversation. There was something wrong with her and now she’d royally fucked up everything else. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>All because she couldn’t stay in control.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  
  <span>Kara quickly stood up when she saw Lena emerge from the office and set down the gossip magazine she’d been reading on the waiting room coffee table. She grinned encouragingly at Lena, who tried to smile back, but had a hollow, empty, look to her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, how was it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena didn’t say anything. She just vaguely gestured to the door. Kara followed her into the hall where they only made it a few feet before Lena stopped and turned to look at her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She said I’m going to have to do real treatment… like at a hospital,” Lena said, her voice raw and low “Four days a week I… I have to go in.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena pursed her lips as she waited for Kara’s reaction. But Kara’s expression was completely unreadable. It was like she was frozen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kara, I’m so sorry, I’m so </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her voice broke when Kara’s face fell, her eyes filling with tears. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’s okay,” Kara said, taking a cautious step forward. “This is good, you’re gonna get better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m so sorry Kara, I messed everything up,” Lena cried and covered her face with her hands. The whole thing was so fucked up, everything was falling apart and there was nothing she could do to keep herself-- or anything else for that matter, together. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kara shook her head. “You didn’t mess anything up,” she said. But Lena couldn’t even look at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Can I hug you?” She asked, unsure of what else to offer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena nodded and melted into Kara’s warm arms. She hid her face in Kara’s neck as she let out a broken sob. She felt Kara’s embrace tighten around her soft lips on her forehead. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You deserve to get help,” Kara said softly. “You deserve to get better and to be happy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just… I feel like I’m dragging you into such a big mess and I… I might not be able to get out of it. I don’t want to hurt you, Kara,” Lena wept quietly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not dragging me into anything, I promise,” Kara reassured. “I’m gonna be here with you, every step of the way.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena sniffled and pulled away. She took a deep breath and wiped her eyes, though that didn’t stop the tears that continued to fall. “Thank you,” she said with a shaky voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For what?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“For being here. I don’t know how I got so lucky,” Lena managed a smile as she reached out for Kara’s hand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everything was still going to shit, there was no denying that. However, Kelly had been right about one thing. Even if she didn’t want to entirely, Lena still did have a reason to recover. It still was awful to think about, but perhaps it wasn’t entirely hopeless. </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I have mixed feelings about this chapter, I was really scared to post it because of how heavy it is. But ultimately I decided to put it up because I'm currently in outpatient treatment for anorexia and writing this has helped me a lot with viewing recovery as a good thing instead of a failure. My goal with this fic is to help others struggling with the same thing to start accepting recovery as a positive because it's such a hard thing to do and if this fic can even just help one person, that's enough for me. <br/>Eating disorder hotline- (888)-337-8776<br/>Eating disorder text line- 888.ED.SUPPORT</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hate this chapter but not posting was killing me so here it is.<br/>Trigger Warning: general themes of eating disorders, talk of restriction, mentions of purging.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lena sighed as she held her shirt up around her chest, the reflection of the body it felt like she was ruining staring back at her mockingly. Just a short month ago, if she sucked in even the slightest breath of air, she would’ve been able to count every one of her ribs. But the three weeks of extreme hunger, painful bloating, and meals consisting of more food than she normally would’ve eaten in an entire day had taken that away from her.</p><p>Kara said she was looking better. She said she looked healthier now. And now that most of the physical symptoms had started to go away, Lena could gather up enough rationale to believe that Kara was right. She knew that before she started treatment, she looked sick. Even if her vision had been clouded, Lena was aware of the dark circles under her eyes and how hollow her face had been. She’d spent weeks trying to swallow the terror inside her every time she saw herself in the mirror, the clear signs of her body deteriorating in front of her so quickly she could hardly even recognize it. But the voice in her head that fed off her weakness convinced her this was a good thing. It meant she was finally doing it right. </p><p>Unlearning its message so she could live was a million times harder than digging herself deeper into the dark hole that was quickly killing her. </p><p>“Hey,” Kara stepped beside her, raised an eyebrow at her reflection, and Lena quickly let go of her shirt. </p><p>“Sorry, I keep forgetting I’m not supposed to do that anymore.” </p><p>Kara smiled. She snaked her arms around Lena’s waist, hugging her from behind and rested her chin on Lena’s shoulder. </p><p>“You’re so beautiful,” she said dreamily. “And I love you so much.” </p><p>“I love you too,” Lena blushed. </p><p>“Alex and Maggie are gonna be here soon,” Kara said, tracing circles on the back of Lena’s hand with the pad of her thumb. “We should start getting ready.” </p><p>Lena sighed and relaxed in Kara’s arms. “I know,” she mumbled. “But let's stay like this for just a little while longer.” </p><p>“Alright, just a few more minutes.”</p><hr/><p>Lena inched closer to Kara so she could rest her chin on her girlfriend's shoulder while Kara absentmindedly played with her hair. Game night had been much calmer than those in the past, which meant Kara and Lena were too busy lusting over each other to really pay attention to what they were doing. </p><p>“You guys are sickeningly cute,” Alex said with a laugh. “It’s gross.” </p><p>Kara rolled her eyes and made a point of pulling Lena closer and sneaking a few forehead kisses. </p><p>“I’m gonna get more pizza, anyone want another slice?” Maggie interrupted. </p><p>Alex and Kara both asked for another-- Kara suggesting she just bring the whole box over and Alex telling her <em> not all of us can eat like a Kryptonian. </em> </p><p>“Okay, you guys, leave some for Lena, she only had one slice,” Maggie said and gave Alex and Kara a playfully firm look. </p><p>“Oh… I’m good,” Lena said quietly. “Knock yourselves out.” </p><p>Kara glanced over at her, her eyebrows furrowed as if she didn’t quite believe her. Lena forced a small smile and squeezed Kara’s hand. </p><p>“I’m fine, I promise,” she whispered. </p><p>She watched as her friends loaded up their plates once more, eyeing the one remaining slice they’d probably subconsciously left for her. She had considered taking it, but she’d already finished her salad, some of her pizza, and she’d had to drink a supplement earlier when she couldn’t finish lunch and it just wasn’t sitting right. </p><p>But everyone else seemed so happy and carefree. She wanted that. And she had been doing better lately, she had been wanting recovery. She wanted to be able to take the last slice and not care. She wanted to be able to enjoy game night with her best friends and turn off that stupid voice in her head that was constantly trying to sabotage her treatment. </p><p>Soon enough though, they were going to break out the pints of ice cream that Alex and Maggie brought and she was going to have to eat a bowl or else they would suspect something was up. And she knew if she let herself indulge now, it would only end in a binge; just like it always did. </p><p>“I’m gonna get some air, I’ll be right back,” she said to Kara. </p><p>“Is everything okay?” </p><p>Lena nodded. “Yeah, I’ll only be a minute,” she quickly stood up and rushed out of the living room with everyone's eyes on her. </p><p>“Did we say something?” Maggie inquired once she was gone. </p><p>“I… I don’t know,” Kara said, trying to figure out what could’ve happened in the past few minutes that would’ve upset her. “Should I go check on her?” </p><p>Alex shook her head. “She probably needs some space, just give her a minute.”</p><hr/><p>Lena gripped the balcony railing until her knuckles were white. She stared at the city below, the tears she refused to let fall blurring her vision. There was ice against her skin but she was burning up, seeing the night sky in front of her through red-tinted glasses. </p><p>She couldn’t do it anymore. It didn’t matter how badly she wanted this, the voice was so much stronger than she was. And the facade she’d been putting up was wearing thin, she didn’t have the energy to try and fix it. There were always <em> so </em> many things that needed to be fixed too that she no longer had any control over. Business deals and matters at L-Corp, the company she was supposed to be running but hadn’t been to in two weeks now. She was supposed to act happy at game night and pretend like she wasn’t dying inside, like she wasn’t counting down the days until she’d be out of the program and could start restricting again. Everything was falling apart and the thing that had always been her glue was being taken away. </p><p>“Hey,” a soft voice said. </p><p>Lena closed her eyes and held her breath. She couldn’t keep apologizing, if she did, before long the words would lose any meaning they’d ever had.</p><p>“Is everything okay?” </p><p>Lena nodded. She didn’t have to turn around to know it was Kara standing a few feet behind her, watching with eyes filled with worry, thinking of all the ways she could help. </p><p>“I just can’t do this anymore,” Lena forced out. “I want to get better, but I’m so sick of it.” </p><p>She let out a shaky breath and removed her hands from the balcony railing so she could wrap her arms around herself. She turned to Kara and sighed.</p><p>“I know this is supposed to be a good thing but…” Lena shook her head and swallowed the sharp lump in her throat. “It’s not worth it.”</p><p>Kara shifted her weight between her feet. Lena could see the crinkle between her eyes appear, the one that always showed up when she was worried about someone she loved.</p><p>Lena wanted to explain how she’d tried on one of her work skirts before her morning shower, one that used to be nearly two sizes too big on her, and how it had been tight around her waist. But there was no way to rationally say that when she looked in the mirror and saw how bloated she was and knew that it wasn’t going to go away in a few hours like it used to was enough to make her want to crawl under a rock and never eat again. </p><p>“I know I can’t possibly understand what you’re going through but you’ve been doing so good lately,” she said softly, trying to make herself smile. “I thought you were happy?” </p><p>Lena shook her head and pursed her lips to force back her frown. “I’m just… I’m so tired and so… angry.”</p><p>Kara looked down at her hands. </p><p>“And it sucks because I do want to get better but it doesn’t matter what I want anymore because this-- this <em> thing </em> is always there and I-- it doesn’t matter how much I eat or how hard I try, it’s just there.”</p><p>“I’m so sick of eating like a pig every freaking day and weighing more than I have in <em> years </em>,” Lena continued, tears falling freely down her face. She despised herself for saying it out loud, for infecting Kara with her poisonous thoughts, but she couldn’t stop herself anymore. The words were falling and there was no going back.</p><p> “I hate having to sit through every meal with someone watching me and trying not to cry-- and counting when I use the bathroom and wearing short sleeves and not being allowed to have a napkin.”</p><p>“I know,” Kara said softly. It didn’t matter whether or not she understood, all she could do was listen.</p><p>“And how after every meal I’m supposed to feel proud of myself and I’m supposed to smile and act like it’s a good thing when really all I can think about is how many sit-ups I need to do and how I wish I weren’t so fucking scared and I could just make myself throw up.” </p><p>Lena stopped, the strength of her words stunning both her and Kara into silence. She took a step forward and dropped her arms by her side, smiling sadly. </p><p>“I want to get better, for you and… for myself,” she cried quietly. “I’m just so tired.”</p><p>Kara nodded. “I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’ve made so much progress. And I am <em> so </em> proud of you.”</p><p>“But just-- just look at me,” Lena threw her hands up in defeat. “This is nothing to be proud of this is-- this is failure.” </p><p>Kara shook her head. “Nothing about this is failure,” she said firmly. </p><p><em> I want to restrict so badly, </em> Lena wanted to say. But she couldn’t bring herself to say it out loud. So she looked down at her hands and tried to listen to Kara, hoping her words would be able to drown out the voice in her head. </p><p>“Lena you’re going to get through this,” Kara placed her hands on Lena’s shoulders. “I know there’s no way for me to imagine what this is like but I-- I know that you’re the strongest person I have ever met. And I guess this probably doesn’t sound like much coming from me, but I have never once doubted you when you set out to do something.” </p><p>She took a breath, trying to collect her thoughts which were running all over the place. “</p><p>Lena glanced back up at Kara and bit her lip. “What if I can’t?” </p><p>“You will, it’s a long process, but I know you. You’re the most determined person I’ve ever met, you will get through it.” </p><p>Lena wasn’t fully convinced, but she managed a small smile anyways. </p><p>“I’ve got you, no matter what. And I’m gonna be there when you can say you’ve kicked this things ass.” </p><p>As she let out a small chuckle, Lena wiped her eyes.</p><p>"We should probably go back inside, right?" She said after a moment of silence. </p><p>"Yeah," Kara agreed. "Are you okay?"</p><p>Lena nodded. “I will be. Thank you.” </p><p>“For what?” </p><p>“Being here.”</p><p>“Of course. Like I said, I've got you. No matter what.” </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm at the point Lena is in her treatment and it hecking sucks, I'm so sorry to anyone else who's had to go through this shit<br/>ED helpline- (800) 931-2237</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>"Bad things happened to bad people. And if that wasn’t true, it meant that these things happened without reason to people who didn’t deserve them. To little girls playing in sandboxes with their whole lives ahead of them. But that couldn’t be true, Lena knew that couldn’t be true. Because if it was, it meant she’d been hurt just for the sake of being hurt, she’d ended up this way for no reason other than that was what the universe had planned out for her. And that was so much worse than any other alternative. "</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger Warning-- this chapter talks a lot about what happens before treatment, specifically the doctor's visits and those experiences. it also deals with past abuse and struggling with blaming yourself in recovery.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>There was a photo Lena kept in her sock drawer. It was of her just months before she’d been adopted. Her mother wasn’t there-- all the photos of her had been destroyed after the adoption. But before she’d been put on the plane from Ireland to Metropolis, her social worker took the framed photo that used to sit on her mom’s nightstand and slipped it into Lena’s ladybug backpack so it wouldn’t be lost forever. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Like most of the remaining memories of her life before her adoption, the picture was simple. Lena was at the playground sitting in the sandbox, holding a plastic bucket in one hand and a shovel in the other. She was smiling from ear to ear, so hard her eyes were squinting and her nose scrunched up so small it looked like a little button in the center of her face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Every so often, Lena would hold it and try to remember who she’d been before it all happened. Before she met the Luthor’s, before she knew what it felt like to hate herself with every fiber of her being, before she associated food with fear and nurturing her body with failure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time as she held it in her shaky hands, she remembered standing in the doctor’s office with Lillian when she was a teenager. It was the first of many appointments Lillian had begrudgingly taken her to. Most of them had faded into dark crevices, boxed up so deep she wasn’t sure she’d ever be able to find them again, even if she wanted to. But this one, Lena knew she’d never be able to forget.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She remembered being told she wasn’t underweight and the way her heart had dropped at the news. She thought it meant she was failing, but the doctor said it meant she wasn’t just sick enough to require inpatient treatment. Even then, it hadn’t made sense to her. She knew how sick she was, she knew she wasn’t supposed to taste bile in her mouth after every meal or be covered in sweat when she was freezing cold. How could that be healthy, even if she was at a healthy weight?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena remembered the way the doctor showed her the decline in her weight compared to other girls her age with eating disorders and told her she didn’t have it as bad as they did and she should be happy. She remembered trying so hard not to cry at those words. And how when they asked Lillian to leave the room, the doctor had sat her down and asked why she was doing it. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I just want to be in control,”</span>
  </em>
  <span> Lena said. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I can’t control school or my grades or anything, but I can control this.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“So you don’t care about being skinny?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>The doctor had asked. They were writing everything she said down on a pad of paper with all her other information. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’d shaken her head, feeling tears fill her eyes but refusing to let them spill. Lena couldn’t cry in public. Especially not when Lillian was standing in the hall and probably had her ear pressed against the door so she could listen to their conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I do want to be skinny but it’s… it’s more than that. It’s not just my body, it’s everything.”  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Well, I don’t understand,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>the doctor said, folding their arms over their chest. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Is it about wanting to be skinny, or is it about wanting to be in control?” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena remembered how after that they’d made her take all her clothes off so she could be weighed in nothing but her bra and underwear. And how years later, she’d stood as an adult in a new doctor’s office almost completely naked as they’d checked her weight again once more and asked her why she’d been restricting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And although she was older and the doctors were new, the questions were all the same.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>When did it start? Do you know your lowest weight? How many calories were you eating a day? What were the foods you avoided? What were you eating? Have you ever chewed and spit your food? Have you ever made yourself throw up? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She still got the same shameful feeling in the pit of her stomach when she walked into the hospital waiting room every morning and kissed Kara goodbye. She felt the same fear as she had when she was sixteen sitting at the dinner table with her family every time her meal was different from what the other patients were getting. She felt the same knots in her chest during CBT group when she was forced to stand in front of everyone else and talk about what she was feeling as she had that day at school when her guidance counselor called home and told Lillian she knew Lena hadn’t been eating enough. And every time she came home to Kara or saw that photo of the person she used to be, buried in her sock drawer, she wondered how she’d ever let it get this bad. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena traced her fingers over the edges of the wrinkled paper, the smiling little girl looking up at her without a care in the world. The tears blurred her vision, but it didn’t matter. She had it memorized. The toothy grin, the squinted eyes, the button nose. It was all there, engraved in her brain where she was sure it would stay for the rest of her life. Whether she liked it or not. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, what are you looking at?” Kara asked, lingering in the doorway with a warm smile. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena didn’t say anything. She sucked in her bottom lip and swallowed the sharp bubble rising to the top of her throat, the hot tears still falling freely down her cheeks. She held up the picture, gesturing pathetically as she let out a broken chuckle and set it back on her dresser. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Lena, what is it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kara quickly made her way over to Lena. Concern filled her eyes and a little crinkle appeared between her brow; it always did when she was worried about someone she loved. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena shook her head and looked down out the ground, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I used to be so happy.” Her voice broke as the words left her mouth, the weight she hadn’t realized she’d been carrying for years now crashing down on her shoulders as she finally said it out loud. “I-- when I was younger, b- before I was adopted and everything happened.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked back up at Kara, using a trembling hand to cover her mouth as she cried. “I used to be so happy, Kara.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I-- I see that picture and I just-- I wish I could see her again and tell her I’m so sorry for everything I did to ruin it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kara bit her lip, taking Lena’s other hand in her own and brushing the pad of her thumb over her knuckles. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It wasn’t your fault, Lena,” she said softly. “Nothing that happened. None of it was your fault.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lena shook her head once more. It couldn’t be true, it had to be her fault. That was the only reality she could believe. She was the one to blame, she always had been. She’d ruined the happy little girl she’d once been so many years ago. There was no going back anymore, the damage had been done. All because she wanted a control deep down she knew she’d never get. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I used to be so happy,” Lena cried again, looking down at her hands. The statement played over and over again in her head like a bad song she just couldn’t get herself to forget. She’d been so happy, so carefree, so innocent. And now, all of that was gone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re gonna get there again,” Kara said. She sounded so sure as she reached up and gently wiped away Lena’s tears with her index finger. “It’s gonna take time, but you’re gonna get there again.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I ruined her,” Lena sobbed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She couldn’t even bring herself to look Kara in the eye. She felt so dirty; like she was filled with toxins she’d never be able to wash away. She was infected, some sort of disease, unwanted and damaged. That was why Lillian treated her so terribly. That was why Lex tracked every time she cried and every time she felt her knees get weak from the pressure of being a Luthor. That was why she’d restricted until she was blacking out multiple times a day, until her hair was falling out in clumps and she had to resort to wearing headbands or bandanas to cover the ever-growing bald patch where her hairline was supposed to be. It was because she was broken, she was filthy and unworthy. She had to deserve it, it was the only thing she’d ever known. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was bad. Bad things happened to bad people. And if that wasn’t true, it meant that these things happened without reason to people who didn’t deserve them. To little girls playing in sandboxes with their whole lives ahead of them. But that couldn’t be true, Lena knew that couldn’t be true. Because if it was, it meant she’d been hurt just for the sake of being hurt, she’d ended up this way for no reason other than that was what the universe had planned out for her. And that was so much worse than any other alternative. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You didn’t ruin anyone,” Kara said. She guided Lena over to her bed and sat down beside her, continuing to rub soothing patterns into her palm. “None of this was your fault, trust me, Lena, it couldn’t have been.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maybe that’s true but I…” She looked back up at Kara, her eyes wide and shiny. “If it is then why did this happen? Why did any of it happen?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t know. All I know is you are a kind-hearted, </span>
  <em>
    <span>beautiful</span>
  </em>
  <span> soul. And you didn’t deserve any of it,” Kara said firmly. “I know you can’t see it right now, but Lena, you are so </span>
  <em>
    <span>so</span>
  </em>
  <span> good. You always have been.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“But what if I mess this up too?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re so amazing, Kara. You’re kind and smart and perfect and I… I cry when I have to eat a bowl of pasta,” Lena said, chuckling mirthlessly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not perfect.” Kara shook her hand and gave Lena’s hand a squeeze. “And okay, maybe you cry when you have to eat a bowl of pasta, but you still eat it. Or at least you try to-- and if you can’t, you take a supplement and I-- I have smelled those things, I honestly don’t know how you can drink them.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That got a small laugh out of Lena. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“They really are disgusting,” she said, smiling tearfully as she wiped her eyes. “It’s like… thick vanilla milk. God and the chocolate ones are basically motor oil.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Exactly, and you still do it. Every day,” Kara said, her voice filled with pride for reasons Lena still couldn’t understand. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I just… but I’m a mess and you-- you shouldn’t be obligated to put up with it.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not putting up with you, I want to be with you,” Kara said softly. “What you’re doing right now Lena… this is not easy. But you’re getting through it and you’re doing everything you can to get better. You’re doing your best, and that’s all that matters.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re sure?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kara nodded. “I’m sure.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She draped an arm over Lena’s shoulder and pulled her close, pressing a kiss to her forehead. Instantly, Lena was overcome with warmth at Kara’s touch. There was no feeling like being wrapped up in Kara’s strong arms and knowing she truly was safe with the woman she loved.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And I know right now, there probably isn’t anything I can say that’s gonna make you believe it,” Kara said with a sad smile. “So… we’ll just sit here, like this. And you can talk, or not talk, and we’ll stay here until you start to feel better.”  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even if it takes a while?” Lena asked, resting her head on Kara’s chest and curling her fingers around the fabric of her t-shirt. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Kara nodded. “Even if it takes a while.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>so i honestly thought i was done with this fic. i had no plans to update it since it's been really hard to write. right now, after three months, I'm done with intensive treatment for my ed and i'm technically in recovery. but this story-- especially this chapter, is based heavily off my own experiences. and unfortunately, recently it's been harder again, which is why I decided to pic this fic back up. since the beginning, I've been using this story as an outlet for my ed, and the support I've gotten for it is rlly amazing and I appreciate it so much. i know writing this, even though it's been hard, has helped me a lot. so I hope it's doing the same thing for you guys too &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lena's doing her best to push through the ED voice. Some moments are better than others.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i really hate the way this chapter is written, but if I don't post it now, I'll just sit on it forever so here it is<br/>Trigger Warning- Lena's ED voice is very strong in this chapter</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Kara! Kara, come here!” </p><p>Kara rushed into the bathroom, preparing herself for the worst at the sound of Lena yelling her name. She threw the door open, stopping dead in her tracks when she saw Lena standing in front of the mirror, slowly brushing her fingertips against her hairline.</p><p>She was trembling, her bottom lip quivering but not the way it did when she was hurting and struggling to keep the tears at bay. This was different, foreign, almost. </p><p>“What is it? Are you hurt?” Kara asked. “Did you hit your head?” </p><p>Lena shook her head, looking at her with eyes wide and glassy. She held her hand against her forehead, a smile spreading across her lips. </p><p>“It’s growing back,” she breathed. “My hair- it was falling out before, b- but look it’s growing back!” </p><p>Lena held up the baby hairs for Kara to see, her hands starting to shake with excitement too. It might not have seemed like much, but three weeks ago, she’d been pulling out clumps in the shower. It had practically been coming out by the pound when she brushed through it, her trash cans filled with fistfuls upon fistfuls of brittle, dead strands.</p><p>“I used to have to part it to the side so you wouldn’t be able to see the bald patch,” Lena said with a chuckle, unable to believe what was happening. “And now it’s growing back! In a few months I- I’ll be able to wear ponytails and it’ll look normal again. I’m gonna look normal again!” </p><p>To Lena the feat, no matter how small, was everything. Her hair was coming back, it was real, and it was there. Something she could touch, something she could see and feel and know for a fact that it was real. Because it was real, her first real sign that she truly was getting better. </p><p>“Lena, that’s incredible,” Kara exclaimed as she ran her fingers through Lena’s hair. “You can already see the difference.” </p><p>“You can?” Lena’s smile widened, her nose scrunching up with delight. </p><p>“Yeah, you look so much better,” Kara said and nodded proudly. “You look like the Lena I fell in love with.” </p><p>Lena bit her lip, bowing her head as her cheeks flushed bright red. “You really think so?” </p><p>“I’m sure of it,” Kara affirmed. “You look happy and beautiful and so alive. It really is amazing.”</p><p>The slightest giggle escaped Lena, who stood on her toes to reach Kara’s height and draped her arms around her girlfriend's neck. It hardly took any effort at all anymore to hold herself up like that, to carry her weight on her own. She felt like she could stand there forever and not get dizzy, she could walk up the stairs and not fear fainting, hell she could <em> run </em> up the stairs and not have to sit down while she waited for the black spots to fade. </p><p>“You know, I think you’re right.” </p><p>Kara raised an eyebrow. “Really?” </p><p>“Yeah.” Lena nodded. “I do feel alive. And much happier, too.” </p><p>“I’m glad. I’ve missed my girl, it feels good to have her back.” </p><p>Lena nodded once more. “It does.” </p><p>She leaned over, gently kissing Kara’s lips and tracing her cheekbone with the pad of her thumb. </p><p>“Have I ever told you you’re my favorite person?” Lena asked as she pulled away.  </p><p>“Mm, I think you might’ve mentioned it.” </p><p>“Well, you’re my favorite.”</p><p>“And you’re mine,” Kara agreed as she kissed Lena once more. “And I am so <em> so </em> proud of you.” </p><p>As she held Kara a little tighter, Lena let her head fall against Kara’s chest, letting herself bask in the feeling of Kara’s strong, arms wrapped around her body. She felt so safe like that; as if she could just lie with her forever. </p><p>“Say it again?” Lena asked, looking up at her with a shy smile.</p><p>“I’m so proud of you, Lena,” Kara said once more. “So freaking proud.” </p><hr/><p>Shortly after the first break, while everyone else made their way to group, Lena was told by her dietitian to go with Kelly instead. She followed the psychiatrist to the office, fiddling her fingers as she waited to be addressed.</p><p>“Am I in some sort of trouble or…” Lena asked, taking her seat on the sofa across from Kelly’s desk. </p><p>“No, you’re all good,” Kelly said, smiling reassuringly. “I just wanted to check in with you quickly.” </p><p>“Oh.” Lena pursed her lips. “Well, I’m fine, this really isn’t necessary.” </p><p>“You’ve been ordering your foods,” Kelly stated, getting straight to the point. </p><p>“What do you mean?” </p><p>“You’re ordering your foods during meals and snacks. What I’ve noticed is you tend to start with your smallest, normally least caloric food, and work your way up to the main course.” </p><p>Lena bit down on the inside of her mouth, doing not to let her demeanor waver as she scratched the back of her neck and raised an eyebrow. They both knew Kelly was right, neither of them needed to say it. </p><p>“I really don’t see why it matters,” Lena said coldly. “I’m eating, why do you care how I do it?” </p><p>“Because, this is an eating disorder behavior,” Kelly explained. </p><p>“No, it’s not,” Lena argued. “If I’m finishing my meals, how is it a behavior? I’m doing everything you tell me to do, maybe this is just how I like to eat!” </p><p>“It’s a behavior because this is not something recovered people do. We’re telling you to eat and you’re doing it, which is great, but your eating disorder isn’t gone. Your ED voice doesn’t like that you’re eating, so it’s lingering by saying yes, you can eat, but when you do you’re going to do it in a particular way, so you don’t lose control.” </p><p>Lena folded her arms over her chest, physically sinking into her seat. Her heart was pounding, walls closing in and sucking all the air out of the room. </p><p>“Now, this isn’t to discredit any of the progress you’ve made,” Kelly added. “You have been doing really well here and that is no small feat. But this is relapse prevention. If I let you hang onto this, when you graduate the program you’ll keep clinging to the smallest remnants of your disorder until it causes a full-fledged relapse and you end up right back here. And neither of us want that, so it’s our job now to make sure every last ED behavior is put to rest.” </p><p>Lena looked down at her lap and pressed her fingers into her skin. Again, although she hated it, she knew Kelly was right. She was still clinging to hope that when she was finally free, she’d get to gain her control back. She’d get to take charge and finally succeed. But this time- she’d get it right. She’d be more careful, she’d hide her restriction with bigger clothes and eye bags with concealing makeup so that nobody would suspect a thing. She’d be smart about it, she’d manage when she could and couldn’t eat. <em> She’d </em> be in control, not her disorder. And that way, nobody would ever figure it out.</p><p>“So what we’re gonna do, is try to think of something you can do today to take a step in the right direction,” Kelly prompted. “Is there anything you’d feel comfortable doing as a start?” </p><p>Lena shook her head. “I’m fine, I’m eating, I don’t need this.” </p><p>“You’re having spaghetti with a side salad for lunch today, how about you try three bites of pasta before your salad,” Kelly suggested, ignoring Lena’s statement.  </p><p>Lena shook her head once more. There were tears in her eyes, filled all the way to the brim but she wouldn’t cry in front of Kelly. She’d made it this long without breaking down in front of any of the others in treatment, she wasn’t about to lose it now. </p><p>“Then what would you suggest doing?” </p><p>“Nothing,” Lena said sharply. “I’ll figure it out on my own.” </p><p>“Lena--” </p><p>“I’m fine. I don’t need this, I can figure it out myself.” </p><hr/><p>Lunch, as always, was nothing short of tedious. Lena sat at her assigned spot at the table with five other women. They were all around her age- early to mid-twenties, except for one eighteen-year-old who had just barely missed the mark for the pediatric adolescent-teen program. </p><p>The rules for meals were simple. No addressing the food, no talking about whether or not it tasted good or anything of that nature. If it made them uncomfortable they were supposed to keep that to themselves too. No talk of anything that might trigger someone else.</p><p>Their dietitian sat at one end of the table. She was in charge of monitoring habits but also keeping the conversation flowing. When the patients stopped talking, the thoughts lurked back in and the seemingly simple task of finishing what was on their plates became more and more daunting. So she carried question cards and trivia games with her to keep them going, filling the silence with jokes and games like <em> Scattergories </em> or <em> Outburst </em> when things got too uncomfortable. </p><p>Lena sat at her spot, refusing to meet the eyes of anyone else, twirling her pasta around on her fork as she procrastinated eating it. They’d started the meal almost ten minutes ago. So far, she’d only touched her smoothie. </p><p>“Lena,” Kelly prompted, from the other end of the table. “Can you take a bite of something on your plate?” </p><p>Lena didn’t respond, just stared down at the food with such disdain the thought of hurling it across the room seemed to be more appealing than anything else. But she knew if she did that, just like with everything else, there would be consequences. </p><p>Not finishing a snack meant drinking half a Boost. Not eating a snack at all meant a whole. If she ate half her meal, she’d be given one supplement. If she didn’t eat any, or if she left more than half on her plate, she’d be given two. Throwing her plate and causing a scene would probably mean residential. And residential meant no Kara and no friends, so she’d stick with the Boosts. At least for now. </p><p>“Lena, can you at least try the salad?” </p><p>Lena chewed her lip, doing her best to block out Kelly’s voice. She picked up her other fork and held her head in one hand, now stabbing at the lettuce instead of the pasta. She could eat it, she knew she could. And part of her did want to. She wanted to be able to go home and tell Kara about how well things went, she wanted to hear Kara tell her she was proud again. They’d had such a good morning and she hated knowing that she’d be the one to ruin it.</p><p>That voice was just so fucking loud. </p><p>With a sigh, Lena picked up her fork and stared at the clump of lettuce leaves she’d picked up. She could do one bite, right? She could do it so her hair would keep growing and she’d be able to stand on her toes again. </p><p>Lena brought the fork to her lips, hand trembling as she forced the salad into her mouth. It was covered in ranch dressing. She hated ranch, hated how many calories were in it. </p><p>Still, Lena picked up another forkful and resisted the urge to scrape the dressing onto the side of the bowl. </p><p>
  <em> You said just one bite, you shouldn’t be taking another one. You’re ruining this for yourself, you know. </em>
</p><p>Tears burned fiercely in her eyes as Lena managed to push down the forkful. She blinked them back, the effort deeming itself useless.</p><p>
  <em> What’s the point of eating if you know you’re gonna take the Boost? It’s just extra calories.  </em>
</p><p>Another bite. </p><p>
  <em> Why would you do this to yourself? You’re already growing out of all your clothes. Kara says she’s proud now but do you really think she’ll still love you if you keep gaining weight?  </em>
</p><p>Another bite. </p><p>“Lena, can you take a bite of the spaghetti?” </p><p>
  <em> Seriously? Don’t listen to her, she’s messing with the system.  </em>
</p><p>One more bite of the salad. </p><p>
  <em> Why are you still eating? You already fucked up by drinking the smoothie first- stop! You need to stop!  </em>
</p><p>Lena swallowed the lump rising to the top of her throat. The rest of the group was playing Outburst. One of the girls was already done with her meal. She’d stopped talking a while ago, the dietitian luckily allowing her to sit in silence for the time being. </p><p>
  <em> Why are you still thinking about it-- you know you need to stop. What if Kara brings home ice cream or popcorn again? You can’t eat now and still have that later! Stop eating! </em>
</p><p>Just as she was going to try to reach for the fork again and force down another bite, the buzzer went off, signaling lunch was over. Everyone was done. Everyone but Lena. </p><p>It was then that Kelly went through the names of girls who could head into the main room for a break. They’d play Monopoly together or work on that ridiculously hard Christmas themed jigsaw puzzle. They all got up and left, leaving Lena alone with her dietitian. </p><p>“Do you want chocolate or vanilla Boost?”</p><p>“Vanilla,” Lena muttered. She folded her hands together and stared down at them, feeling the weight of the world crash down on her shoulders. She wanted to tell the voice to shut up, but all her energy was drained. And even if it wasn’t, she knew the effort was worthless. She knew it was right-- she really was a failure. </p><hr/><p>Lena didn’t tell Kara about her day. She didn’t want to mess things up when they’d done so well in the morning. She hated being that person, hated being the one who always brought down the mood. It always seemed to fall on her. So now, they sat side by side on the couch in complete silence. </p><p>Kara was reading and Lena stared at the television, completely lost in thought. It was comfortable, occasionally Kara would mumble something to make her smile or Lena would nudge her gently. But other than that, it was quiet. Lena was too lost in thought to speak. She was filled with thoughts of the meeting she’d had with Kelly. The second one- where they’d talked about a new plan to start addressing her behaviors. It was much stricter. And if it failed, she’d most likely face residential.</p><p>“Kara?” Lena asked after a moment, her voice small and weak. They were giving her a few days to try and work things out before the new plan was officially put in place. A few days to make things right and prove recovery was what she wanted. </p><p>“Yeah?” Kara closed her book and set it on the coffee table, smiling warmly at her girlfriend. </p><p>“Can you do me a favor?” Lena asked. She pulled her legs into her chest and looked down at the ground, slowly trying to build herself up. Piece by piece by piece.  “Later… not now, b- but when we have dinner?” </p><p>“Of course, anything,” Kara said, without even an ounce of hesitation. </p><p>“I’m uh… I have this problem I--” Lena hesitated, pausing for a moment then huffing in frustration when she couldn’t find the right words. “I guess I don’t eat the way I’m supposed to. And I- I was wondering if just tonight…” </p><p>She wrapped her arms around her knees and let her chin fall against her elbow. “I know it sounds ridiculous, but if you could take the first-bit o- of something other than a vegetable… then I… I can do the same thing. And I… it’s-- it’s supposed to help.” </p><p>“Lena?” </p><p>Lena lifted her head, frowning ever so slightly. She hadn’t explained why it was supposed to help. It was too humiliating to go into detail. If Kara figured it out, she’d probably think Lena was insane. </p><p>“When have I ever willingly eaten a vegetable?” </p><p>That certainly wasn’t the answer Lena had been expecting.</p><p>“Never?” She asked, managing a small chuckle. </p><p>“Never,” Kara repeated. “I’ll eat whatever you need me too, as long as it isn’t healthy.” </p><p>She snuck her arm behind Lena’s back and pulled her close, letting Lena reclaim her favorite spot on Kara’s lap. Almost immediately, Lena curled into her. She rested her head on Kara’s shoulder and took a strand of blonde hair between her fingers, gently twisting and untwisting it.</p><p>“And you never have to ask me to go first,” Kara added, wrapping her arms around Lena and holding her tightly. “My superspeed gives me an advantage over you mere humans, I’ll always start and finish first.” </p><p>“Always?” Lena raised an eyebrow. She gave a teasing smile and tapped Kara on the nose, doing her best not to laugh at the horrified look on her girlfriend's face. It was almost enough to chip the edge off the fear and anxiety itching beneath her surface. </p><p>“I didn’t mean it like that!” Kara exclaimed. </p><p>“Choose your words carefully, Danvers,” Lena said in that low, husky voice Kara loved so much. “They’re so easy to misinterpret.” </p><p>She wanted to keep on joking, but for a second, she glazed down and the weight of the conversation came crashing down against her chest. It barreled over her like a steamroller, crushing her to flat and tiny broken pieces.</p><p>In a pathetic attempt to ground herself, Lena leaned in closer to Kara and burrowed her face in the crook of her neck, holding her tightly to ensure she wouldn’t disappear. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” she whispered and swallowed the bubble sitting at the back of her mouth. “I’m so sorry, Kara.” </p><p>“Hey.” Kara breathed. Her brow furrowed, crinkle appearing between her eyes as she tried to figure out what just happened. She held her hand out, holding her breath as she lowered it down to the top of Lena’s head and slowly dragged it through her hair. She could feel Lena grasping the collar of her shirt-- an old habit she’d developed almost a year ago. She said she did it when she was scared, scared of losing her best friend. </p><p>“Hey, I’m right here,” Kara said softly. “I’m right here.”</p><p>With one arm, she secured the hold around Lena’s back. And with the other, she continued to stroke her hair, hoping something about the repetitive motion would help her feel calm again.  </p><p>“I’m sorry, Kara.” Lena’s voice broke, the tears she’d been struggling to keep at bay ever since lunch finally spilling over. </p><p>“What? Why are you sorry?” </p><p>Lena gave a pathetic shrug, keeping her face hidden in the mops of Kara’s hair. “I couldn’t do it today, I couldn’t finish anything. And you were so proud because m- my hair was growing back and I was doing better, but I- I failed.” </p><p>Kara shook her head. She cupped Lena’s chin in the palm of her hand, gently pulling her away so she could look Lena in the eye. </p><p>“You did not fail today,” Kara said. “Recovery isn’t linear, you know that. You’re gonna have good days and you’re gonna have bad ones-- and maybe this was a bad one, but you’re making progress. So much of it.”</p><p>“I didn’t want to disappoint you,” Lena cried. “You were so happy… I didn’t want to ruin it.” </p><p>“You didn’t, Lena. I promise, you didn’t,” Kara said softly. “It was a bad day, but you did your best and you made it through. That’s what matters, okay? That you’re still here and you can try again tomorrow.” </p><p>“But what if it isn’t better?” Lena asked. “I want to recover but you know how bad the statistics are, what if I can’t?” </p><p>Kara bit down on the inside of her mouth. She waited for a moment, hoping if she waited long enough the right words would come and she’d know what to say. But they didn’t. They never did. </p><p>“You know, this week you made it four days in a row,” Kara said instead. “You made it four days where you finished all your meals and snacks-- and that was the first time you’ve done that since starting treatment.” </p><p>Lena sniffed and bowed her head, cheeks turning red with shame. </p><p>“And the other day when we were out and we all got ice cream, so did you. You said it wasn’t a big deal, but I haven’t seen you do that in so long,” Kara continued. “I know things are bad right now and they might still be for a few days, but every day used to be a bad day for you. Right now, you’re used to doing well and that’s why this one feels worse.”</p><p>Lena nodded and smiled sadly. Kara did have a point. Even at her lowest today, she hadn’t given up entirely.</p><p>“I did eat some… I- I didn’t want to but I tried.”</p><p>“That’s really good. And hey- you reached out and asked me for help, too. That’s something to be proud of.” </p><p>Lena wiped her eyes, nodding once more. “I’m not balding anymore either,” she cried with a quiet laugh. </p><p>“Yeah, you’re not balding anymore,” Kara said, chuckling as she kissed Lena’s forehead. She then took Lena’s hand in hers and squeezed it, pressing another kiss to her knuckles. </p><p>“It was rough today but you made it through. Just like you’ve done with every other one of your bad days.”</p><p>That was enough to make Lena start crying all over again. </p><p>“You’re doing something unimaginably hard right now,” Kara said and cupped Lena’s cheek in her palm, using her thumb to brush away her tears as they fell. “And I’m <em> so </em> proud of you for pushing through.”</p><p>A subtle smile spread across Lena’s lips as another sob escaped them. She focused on the feeling of Kara’s hand on her face and the warmth spreading through her. It was like a raincoat of love, strong enough to shield her from even the darkest of days.</p><p>Kara was proud. After everything, she was still proud. </p><p>“You know, you’re a really great girlfriend, Kara,” Lena cried as she leaned into Kara’s embrace. </p><p>“So I’ve been told.” Kara laughed, a sound Lena was sure she could bask in for the rest of her life. </p><p>“And I’m really lucky to have you. Like <em> really </em> lucky.” </p><p>“Yeah?” </p><p>Lena nodded. </p><p>“Can I let you in on a little secret?” Kara asked. </p><p>Another nod. </p><p>“I’m just as lucky to have you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i know i rarely ever update this fic, but since posting the last chapter I've dealt with two relapses, one of which I'm still trying to force myself out of. writing this has been helpful in the past so I figured I'd might as well get back into it. hopefully, things go better this time around :)</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm literally posting this at 3am after I stayed up all night writing it (and not revising lol), so if it sucked, that's why. Anyways if you want another chapter let me know I guess?</p></blockquote></div></div>
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